Blackberry bittersweet chocolate chip brownies

blackberry-blondiesHappy Easter from The Ordinary!! We’re having a slow, cold spring here, but it’s coming, you can feel it. The flowers and flies and bees are out, clinging for dear life to any patch of sun and heat. We have such a hopeful light in the morning and the evening. In the afternoon, if you position yourself directly in a sunbeam, sheltered from any cold breezes, you can feel actually warmth. It’s hard not to feel cheerful, when you see spring trying so hard to spread itself over the world, despite the odds. So this week’s interactive playlist is hopeful songs, songs about a new beginning, songs about having the strength to make a new start, songs about rebirth, redemption and new growth. It could be songs that you listen to that inspire you, or songs you listened to at a time that you started something new in your life. So happy easter, happy spring, and we wish you all the cheerfulness and felicity that this pale spring light seems to promise.

These blondies have blackberry jam in them. I like the combination of juicy bittersweet dark fruits (blackberry, black currant) and bittersweet chocolate. These were dense and jammy. Good!

Here’s your hopeful playlist so far. It’s interactive, so please add as many songs as you’d like.

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Dark chewy smoky brownies

Dark, chewy, smoky browines

Dark, chewy, smoky browines

I’ve started to notice a certain phrase popping up all over the place, lately. That phrase is “home cooks.” The first time I saw it was in the Guardian, describing a contest for said home cooks. I felt slightly, inexplicably annoyed, but I berated myself for being such a curmudgeon and got on with my life. Then the TV at work was on the food network and there were not one, but two shows about home cooks. Eager, tail-wagging home cooks who couldn’t believe they’d get to meet a celebrity chef. And now, there was no denying it, I felt annoyed. “Home cooks.” It sounds so patronizing and dismissive, doesn’t it? It sounds as though they’re talking about ladies in house dresses exchanging recipes for casseroles made with spam and velveeta clipped from their women’s magazines. (Now I’m sounding dismissive! There’s nowt wrong with spam and velveeta!) It really seemed as though they’d come up with a new demographic of people to sell things to, and I was in that demographic. I hate being in a demographic! Well, I walked around feeling irked about this development for a few weeks. And then, yesterday, I had a breakthrough. Whilst driving my sons to the supermarket to pick up supplies to do my home cooking, we listened to the Clash. (Lord they’re good!) And, once again, The Clash had all the answers, this time, in the form of their song Garageland. I don’t want to be a called a home cook, I thought, I want to be a garage cook! And then I realized how unappetizing that sounds. I want to be a garageband cook! A punk rock cook! I want to combine flavors in a way that might seem novel and jarring at first, but makes sense when you’ve tried it a few times, and makes you feel exited and energized. I want to be brimming over with creativity and new ideas, even if it seems sloppy at times! And I don’t have much respect for “celebrity chefs,” I’ve never been all that impressed by their recipes or their ideas, and

    I don’t wanna hear about what the rich are doing
    I don’t wanna go to where the rich are going
    They think they’re so clever, they think they’re so right
    But the truth is only known by guttersnipes

(I read a profile of a certain well-known chef, and all the interesting things he’s doing, and all the interesting places he’s going, and I learned that “food bloggers and women over fifty are his most boring customers.” Double stab in the heart! I’m not a woman over fifty yet, but I hope to be one someday!) Who needs that? Not me! (Heh heh, let’s see if I can find an interesting recipe to use up all of my sour grapes!)

Of course, I also very much like the idea of being a home cook. Part of the beauty of cooking is that you create a home. By combining foods you like and feeding people you love, you make a home, no matter where you are or what your living situation. It’s all part of the warmth, the nourishment, and the love. Let’s just hope that home has a spacious garage where you can make some noise!!

These brownies were ridiculously, addictively good. They’re dark – made with bittersweet chocolate chips and very dark cocoa. They’re chewy inside, and very dense and heavy, the way brownies should be! Nice and crackly on top. And they have a haunting, smoky flavor, because I grated in a little black cardamom, and added some smoked sea salt. It’s subtly, but quite lovely! Black cardamom is a funny-looking beetle-y spice. I grated a little of the husk on a microplane, just a touch, and it added its nice smoky almost savory flavor. If you don’t have black cardamom or smoked sea salt, make these anyway, because they’re really good!!

Here’s Garageland, by The Clash

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Nutella ice cream with crispy chocolate hazelnut bark

Nutella ice cream

Nutella ice cream

I think Isaac might have the best teacher in the world. She glows! She’s as shiny as a first grader (which is one of the highest compliments I could bestow!) She’s one of those rare individuals who has a lot of energy, and is capable not only of harnessing her own, but of focussing the energy of others as well. Which is no mean task in a room full of six- and seven-year-olds! And she gets Isaac. At our parent-teacher conference she said he’s bright and funny and fascinating. Of course he is! All seven-year-olds are! She pulled out some of his bright, funny, and fascinating drawings and writings, and she said that she likes his voice. She said that she hopes he can continue to develop his voice, and to express himself in the unique way that he does now. Because our Isaac says the sweetest, oddest things in the sweetest, oddest language–he has a unique turn of phrase. I love to think about Isaac’s voice. He talked early and often, and to this day he has a lot to say, and feels confident that everybody needs to hear it. I like to think about him refining and developing this ability under the tutelage of somebody who allows him freedom and respects his creativity. It feels so hard to maintain that individuality, sometimes, it really seems as though the world is set up to knock it out of you. Malcolm’s conference followed Isaac’s, and he’s doing well, too, but by the time you’re ten doing well means doing what you’re told. His writing teacher said he’s writing all the correct things in the correct order – it’s not exactly poetry, she said, but it’s what she needs to hear. Because at his age they have to teach towards a test and meet certain standards, and those standards never seem to encompass imagination or uniqueness. Tidiness is more important than originality. And you start to learn that people don’t always want to hear what you have to say, because they’re so busy talking themselves. Malcolm went a whole day without eating the other week. He left without breakfast, threw out his snack and his lunch, and ate no dinner. Why? Was he ill? Was he anxious? We don’t know – he couldn’t or wouldn’t tell us, and if felt like the foreshadowing of adolescent years to come, when it’s hard to share what you’re feeling, because you don’t know yourself. You don’t trust your voice or have faith in the importance of the things you want to say. I’m not ready for that time, when the boys feel that they can’t talk to us, and I hope it never comes. I hope that they’ll always have faith in their voices, they’ll always trumpet out their odd sweet thoughts, confidently, in their own strong words. I hope they’ll sing out happily for all the world to hear!

And I hope they’ll always help me cook! Malcolm doesn’t like chocolate ice cream, but he loved this! I melted a quantity of chocolate chips, and I combined half of them with chopped hazelnuts and a bit of salt, and I combined the rest with some nutella, and made a nice creamy ice cream. When the ice cream was freezing, I broke the chocolate-hazelnut bark into small pieces to mix in. Deeeelicious!

Here’s Sing Your Life from Morrissey. You have a lovely singing voice!

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Coconut chocolate brownies

Coconut chocolate brownies

Coconut chocolate brownies

After the school dance, a man set up a ladder and cut down all the stars. Malcolm stood below and caught them as they fell. He walked home with an armful of stars, trailing yellow balloons behind him like wings. I love the morning after any balloon-related event. The balloons seem tired, and if you give them a little tug, they don’t quite make it back to the ceiling. This is my favorite time to take pictures – I like it much better than during the party itself. I love the boys in their pajamas batting balloons back and forth or racing around the house with them. The morning light hanging in the balloons like fire, lighting them with a warm glow from within, making them almost as bright and buoyant as my boys. I took so many photos this weekend, of the boys and their balloons – I took hundreds! I lay on the ground for some, looking up at their laughing faces, and up the strings to the golden balloons. (I had just seen an Ozu movie!) I was so happy with them that I didn’t even look at them right away. I saved them for after work. And when I loaded them onto the computer I could see the tantalizing little thumbnails of the shots vivid with our green walls, strong morning light and radiant boys. But the pictures never loaded. I never got to see them, I lost them all, and all of the photos from the dance. I feel such irrational regret about this loss. They’re just pictures! David and I tell ourselves all the time not to experience our life through a lens. We want to capture every moment and remember every movement, but sometimes we have to just put the camera down and live it. Trust our eyes, trust our memory. I know that. So why do I feel such an odd small pang of nostalgia for these pictures I’ll never see? I suppose it’s like the films I make in my dreams. So perfect and unattainable – so perfect because you can never see it as it really is, because things always look better caught sideways in glimpses, memories, and dreams. Oh, well, there will always be more balloons!!

These brownies have coconut milk in them, which makes them soft and almost pudding-like. They also have flaked coconut and chocolate chips, which makes them delicious! They’re not terribly sweet, and I used very very dark cocoa, which almost has a savory flavor to it, according to my taster. You could use regular cocoa, though, and they’d still be tasty.

Here’s the Beastie Boys with Root Down (Pp balloon mix)

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Cadbury mini-egg ice cream

Cadbury mini egg ice cream

Cadbury mini egg ice cream

We bought Malcolm a suit. Why did we buy him a suit? Don’t we know that he won’t wear it very often, take very good care of it, or fit in it for very long? Of course we do! Of course we know all those things! So why did we do it? I’m honestly not sure, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I think, maybe, we bought him a suit because he wanted one. Not that he brattily demanded one, and threw a tantrum, and wouldn’t let us rest until we agreed to buy him one. I don’t think he even expected one – he seemed surprised when I told him we were going shopping for it. The fact that he wanted to wear a suit seemed so sweet, and so cool in a way that’s just like Malcolm and no one else. He has a dance on Friday, and he told me he wanted to wear a suit to the dance. I asked if anyone else was wearing one, and he said, “I don’t care!” To me, that’s the very definition of coolness in a ten-year-old boy. Malcolm doesn’t dress like the average American ten-year-old. He has a real sense of style – not outlandish, but unique – it might be called “stylie ragamuffin.” I love this about Malcolm! I love to think about him thinking about what he’ll wear, because he’s not anxious about getting it right, he’s cheerful about it, and if he wants to wear it, it is right. He’s got style with ease, baby. He’s fond of certain clothes, and he’s happy in them. Of course he didn’t want the kind of suit kids wear to school dances. He wanted the kind of suit the Blues Brothers wear, well, all the time. A mod suit, a hep suit, a timelessly suave suit. It was fun to hear him describe it, fun to watch him pick it out, and try it on, and walk around the house feeling good in it. Like all mothers, I think my own boys are the most beautiful in the world. And the thing about Malcolm is that he could wear anything. He could pull off any look, he could make any clothes look good. Not just because his healthy vegetarian diet has made him strapping and lean, but because he seems so comfortable in his body, so sure of his movements, so free and easy and strong. I worry about the years ahead, the teenage years when people try to make you feel bad about yourself and your clothes and your hair and your choices, and it’s easy to become an insecure basket case. This seems to be starting earlier and earlier these days. Lord, I hope Malcolm can maintain his breezy self-assurance, his imagination, his idiosyncratic taste in music and clothes and food. It’s such a powerful pleasure to watch as his tastes form and grow – to watch him enjoy and identify with things, to watch him become a person, his own person. We’ll send him out into the cold and critical world armed with our love and pride and looking sharp in his natty new suit.Malcolm-suit

It’s cadbury mini egg season! If you recall, last year I baked them into just about everything I made. This year, I decided to crush them up and put them in ice cream. It’s quite simple, really. A lovely vanilla ice cream, with varying sizes of crushed cadbury egg in it. We smashed some with a mortar and pestle, and Malcolm actually grated some with a hand grater. So you have large pieces – most of the egg, really, and smaller crunchy bits of shell. You could probably just put them in a bag and smash them lightly with a hammer!

Here’s The Beastie Boys with The New Style
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Almond cake with chocolate chips and ginger

Almond cake with ginger and bittersweet chocolate chips

Almond cake with ginger and bittersweet chocolate chips

Clio’s attitude towards fetching a ball is “I could, but why would I?” Some people might think this is a sign of stupidity, but I disagree. (And not just because I’m her biggest fan!) I think it’s funny that people take it as a sign of intelligence if an animal acts like a human, or in a way that a human wants them to behave. I had a theory when I was much younger. (I had lots of theories when I was younger, I had all sorts of philosophies to explain the universe. And then I grew up and realized that everything is too shifting and complicated to be explained.) My theory was this, this was the theory that was mine. I thought that animals were wiser than humans, and that the way that they understood to live in the world made more sense than the way that we did. A cow, for instance, who spends her day eating sweet grass, feeling the sun on her back, watching her world change subtly around her, thinking god-only-knows what thoughts behind her beautiful cow eyes, has everything figured out on a fundamental level better than, say, some girl that goes to school, and has her lunch packed in plastic, and learns what she’s told to learn by people who laugh at her for saying that cows are wiser than humans. The fools! And then they’ll say, yes, but what about the fact that people build highways and cities and cars and cure diseases! And the girl with the theory says, “That doesn’t prove anything! We created a lot of the pollutants and carcinogens that cause the diseases in the first place! And highways and cities bind up the world and hurt it, and make it impossible for us to understand the wild magical truth of nature, which is the only true religion! The electric lights of our homes blind us to the variations of the gradually changing sunlight and moonlight all around us! Our walls and windows make us immune to the cool winds that blow the stagnation from our brains and make us alive! The animals understand that, look into their eyes! They feel the beauty and truth of the world around them in a way that we will never understand, and that’s why they are wiser than we will ever be!” Yes, I was a very strange child, and I grew up to talk about my past self in the third person! So I think Clio is a wise child, and very smart not to fetch the ball, but to joyfully run after it and toss it around and drop it wherever she wants to.

My boys go through phases with food – they’ll love something for a while and eat it every day, and then one day, they just don’t want it any more. It takes me a while to catch onto these mood swings, so I often find myself buying something they used to like, and then having to figure out some other way to use it up when they reject it. One such item is vanilla yogurt. Malcolm used to eat it by the tub, so I’d buy a big carton of it, and he’d scarf his way through it in no time. Lately he hasn’t wanted it. So I decided to use it in a cake. Yogurt makes cakes nice and dense, and I combined it, in this instance, with almonds. I whirled the almonds and yogurt together in the blender until they were perfectly smooth and creamy. This cake also has candied ginger, chocolate chips, and a few spoonfuls of marmalade, so it’s a lovely cake, simple, but complexly flavored. Comforting yet piquant. If you don’t have vanilla yogurt, you can use plain, but you might want to add an extra smidge of vanilla flavoring, and be generous when you measure the sugar.

Here’s Done by the Forces of Nature by the Jungle Brothers

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Vanilla ice cream with salty chocolate-toasted almond bark & Maple-spice ice cream with shaved chocolate

vanilla ice cream with salty toasted almond bark

vanilla ice cream with salty toasted almond bark

CAPTAIN’S LOG:
We’re breaking down! Tempers are flaring, the crew is becoming ragged and moody, crying one moment and laughing the next. Fits of pique! Excessive displays of spleeniness! We’ve entered day four of our excursion. Tuesday afternoon we left the SS Ordinary in our rickety couch-shaped vessel, possessed only of a spiderman blanket, a pillow, a grey puppy, a stack of books, a set of colored pencils, snacks and drinks, medicaments, philtres and tinctures, and a vat of lego bricks with which to fashion a new vessel, if the puppy tears too many holes in our current conveyance. And now that the fever had broken, and the quarantine will surely be lifted, the crew is falling to pieces!
Sigh. It’s not so bad, of course. It all started when I said Isaac should turn off the cartoons and do a little of the homework that was sent home. What? NO! He’s sick! His belly hurts, he HAS to watch cartoons, IT’S A BLATANT BREACH OF SICKDAY RIGHTS! ACTION WILL BE TAKEN! In the form of tears and foot stamping. Isaac tried to have a tantrum, I think probably in imitation of certain other members of the family. He can’t really maintain it, though. He can’t stop himself from giggling if you say anything remotely funny, and that spoils the whole effect. Everybody should have to spend a week with Isaac, cast adrift from real life on a messy couch, through drizzly rain and weak winter sunlight, through brief hopeful pools of afternoon warmth and quickening dusky winds. People come home from work and school, and leave again, and we sit on the couch, watching it all go by. It’s a rare pleasure.
Isaac and James & the Wolf

Isaac and James & the Wolf

Isaac and I made a book. We gave it a cardboard and gaffer tape binding, and I broke a needle in two places trying to sew the pages through the tape. Isaac dictated, I wrote the words, and Isaac illustrated. It tells the story of a boy named James. He lives in the forest with a pack of vegetarian wolves who like to snuggle with him. (“Really?” David said, upon reading this part, “Isaac came up with that? Because it sounds suspiciously Claire-y to me.” It’s all Isaac, I swear! Of course, I made Isaac….) Let’s see, where were we? Ah yes, one day, Black Fur the wolf goes across the river to pick raspberries. A pack of non-vegetarian wolves surrounds him and tells him he should eat his friend James, because human boys are delicious. Suddenly, James and his wolves come up to the raspberry patch! (In a stunning twist nobody could have predicted, James is riding on a giant squirrel-dog named Scog.) James goes rushing at the leader of the other wolves, who is understandably afraid, but rather than hurt him, he feeds him a cake made of nuts, raspberries and leaves. Why, it’s delicious! All the wolves become vegetarian and they spend their days helping each other find food and making meals together. And that’s how it goes. The End.

Maple spice ice cream with grated chocolate

Maple spice ice cream with grated chocolate

We also made ice cream. I always bake with the boys when they’re home sick (if they’re up to it). It’s so companionable and comforting, and they have such surprising and tasty inspirations. Isaac and I wanted to make ice cream. He wanted to make “crispy ice cream.” So we had to decide what that meant. Isaac wanted to add almonds, I wanted to add chocolate. I remembered that we’d made some delicious chocolate almond bark last month, so we made that and dropped large pieces into the ice cream as it froze. So good! I toasted the almonds to deepen their flavor, and we put a sprinkle of sea salt on top. And the other week, as you may recall, Malcolm and I were playing with a hand grater and some chocolate chips. We wanted to see what the fine powdery slivers of chocolate would be like in ice cream instead of chocolate chips, so we made a simple maple spice ice cream to test it out in. Also so good!!

Here’s Precious Precious, by fellow Isaac, Isaac Hayes

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Port wine – cherry ice cream with spicy bittersweet chocolate – cherry bark

Port wine cherry ice cream

Port wine cherry ice cream

Film critic André Bazin passed away in the process of writing a book about the films of his friend, Jean Renoir. François Truffaut completed the work, organizing Bazin’s writings as he thought best. I can’t tell you how moving I find this book! Not because it contains fiercely intelligent and observant film criticism that makes you see Renoir’s films in a clearer light, although it certainly does that. This book kills me because these men love each other so much, and their affection shines off the pages like a warm, infectious glow. In his introduction, Truffaut warns, “No one should expect me to introduce this book with caution, detachment, or equanimity. André Bazin and Jean Renoir have meant too much to me for me to be able to speak of them dispassionately… André Bazin, whom his friends remember as an extraordinary man full of joyous goodwill and intelligence, found himself in complete sympathy with the work of Renoir…” Renoir, in his turn, wrote of Bazin’s writings, “Certain directors of films, whose work André Bazin analyzed so scrupulously, will only remain in man’s memory because their names will be read in his books. Their worth is not in question. To tell the truth, it matters little to me. I’m grateful to them for having inspired a clear poet, an artist who, by dint of objective humility, made his work the moving expression of his generous personality.” And, of course, time and time again, the word that crops up to describe Jean Renoir’s films is “generous.” He’s kind to his characters, we feel that he loves them – even the characters that we don’t particularly like. In Bazin’s words, “Even when defending a particular moral or social truth, he always does justice to the men who oppose this truth and to their ideals as well. He gives every chance to ideas, and every chance to individuals.” I believe that such generosity, such affection for all of the characters is necessary for any great work of art. This needn’t imply a saccharine avoidance of life’s harsher moments, nor need it come at the expense of honesty. In fact, in pouring one’s soul into the work in a sort of communion with the characters, an artist creates a more resonant recognizable portrait of life. I think this is true of literature, painting, film, music – any medium that struggles to explore what it means to be human, in all of our messy interaction with each other and with the world around us. As Renoir says in the role of Octave in Rules of the Game, “…everyone has his reasons.” I must admit I feel very envious of Renoir, Bazin and Truffaut! I envy their attachment to each other and to film. I envy a world in which writing about films talking about films and making films was so important, and carried out with such warm hearts. Is there a place for that in this world any more? Bazin believed that critics should only discuss films that they liked. It’s so easy to be critical and snide, we see it all around us. It’s so easy to create characters who are shockingly evil, with no soul and no redeeming qualities, we see it in all the most successful films. That’s what sells, and the market has become everything. Renoir describes his love for Bazin in a wistful, prophetic, and bittersweet introduction to the book. “The more I travel through life, the more I am convinced that masks are proliferating…the modern world is founded on the ever increasing production of material goods. One must keep producing or die…One prefers that this process be peaceful, but events have a way of getting out of hand. This is an age of violence, and it is likely to become more so. Still we do everything we can to conduct our operation peacefully, to conquer by persuasion. And thus, the cancer of our society: advertising. Occasionally in such troubled times, men or women come forth to dedicate themselves to helping us reestablish a sense of reality. Bazin was such a man.” It seems harder than ever, today, to see past the masks and the advertising, the petty criticism and shallow cruelty. Luckily we have the films of Renoir and Truffaut, and the writing of Andre Bazin to remind us to be generous and kind.

This ice cream was sooooo good! We ate it on valentine’s day, and it was a special dessert just for David and me. I’m not sure the port wine cooked off, because I felt pleasantly giddy after a few bowls! Basically, this is a port wine zabiglione (I love that word!) with some spiciness from cinnamon and black pepper, and some fruitiness from a few spoonfuls of good cherry jam. It’s mixed with lightly whipped cream, and frozen in an ice cream maker of any make or variety. And I served it with “bark” made of bittersweet chocolate, almonds, dried tart cherries, cayenne and cinnamon – crunchy, soft and kicky, all at once, nicely in concert and contrast with the flavor and texture of the ice cream. You could easily add anything you like to the bark (nuts, bolts, needles and pins…) any kind of dried fruit, any kind of nut, candied ginger, lemon peel, nutmeg, cardamom, coconut, whatever suits your fancy!

Here’s Louis Armstrong with Basin Street Blues. Why? Because Basin sounds like Bazin, of course! And because Louis Armstrong seems like another kind and generous spirit.
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Blueberry and meyer lemon cake

Blueberry meyer lemon cake

Blueberry meyer lemon cake

Here at The Ordinary, we have words in great store. We keep them in packets, in boxes, in trunks. We have marble vaults for the cool words that melt in the warmth. Hot words are kept in toasty nests lined with downy feathers. We’re waiting for them to hatch. Whole phrases are stored in coils – pull on the first, and a wondrous surprising chain of words will follow it out of its lair. Fully-formed sentences, with giddily precise punctuation, lie in furrows in our greenhouses, buried in soft soil, watered every morning, waiting to sprout. Rows of dusty drawers in sheds and old shacks contain words in a jumble. They were labeled once, and organized, but now they’re tossed in any old way, and rarely used. We have carefully guarded collections of curious old words, elaborate, intriguing, well-wrought. We’ve forgotten how to use them! We can only guess at their original function. And, of course, we have small words all around us, falling constantly, as light and icy as snow. They make the world seem strangely quiet, despite their great number. They melt to nothing as soon as they touch us. We have rooms full of useful words, close to hand, which we take out each and every day. And words for special occasions, carefully preserved in tissue paper, to be unwrapped when we need them most. The boys have words, too, piled in any which way in jumbles on their desks and under their beds. Words that they’ve invented themselves, that they throw around with giddy grace. Well, we have words, everywhere you look, seeping out of every crack in the plaster. And yet, oddly, we sometimes have nothing to say! We’re at a loss for them, and we don’t know how to put them together. We don’t know which goes with which – in what order, to what purpose?

This is a simple cake. A cake you can have with a cup of coffee in the morning, a cup of tea in the afternoon, or a glass of wine after dinner. We always have something like this around the house! Some little sweet thing in the cupboard. It’s easy to make, and nice to eat. Meyer lemon zest, when baked, has a lovely piney flavor. Combined with the sweet tart citrussy kick of the juice, a few spoonfuls of marmalade, and a handful of fresh blueberries, this was a pleasantly juicy cake, with an unusual flavor.

Here’s Billie Holiday with Too Marvelous for Words.

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Salt-sprinkled pastry cake (with chocolate almond filling)

Salt-sprinkled pastry cake

Salt-sprinkled pastry cake

In my dream this morning, I made a film. I haven’t made a film in nearly thirteen years, and like all neglected things, films frequently work their way into my dreams. Unlike most forsaken activities, my dream films aren’t the source of anxiety. They don’t appear as starving pets I’ve forgotten to feed, or children I’ve abandoned somewhere, or tests I haven’t studied for. My dream films are perfect. They’re strange, of course, because they follow a dream logic, which makes them odder and better than surreal films, which are frequently too carefully calculated to be very honest or beautiful. My films look exactly the way I want them to look, each frame so lovely it’s sealed in glass. And they say exactly what I want them to say. In real life I don’t have anything interesting to say, but I never stop talking (you may have noticed!). In my films I have a perfect thing to say, and I say it perfectly, with grace and space and spirit. In my dreams, my films are never finished, but a large portion is done, and done well, and frequently I have an epiphany on just how I’ll finish it. It’s good to wake from these dreams – I wake happy, but a little disappointed, of course, because there is no film. We saw Sleepwalk with Me last night, and the main character says this, “I really feel like our whole lives, no matter how low our self esteem gets, there’s a part of us that thinks, ‘I have a secret, special skill that no one knows about.'” Well, I know what he means. I remember in high school having this talk with a friend. She was sure, she knew without a doubt, but in a way that she couldn’t even talk about, she knew that one day she’d be a successful musician. And I knew that one day I’d be a writer, a good and important writer. I’d write novels or plays, and they’d be beautiful and everyone would like them. And I’d make films, too. Perfect films. Don’t laugh, but when I was in my twenties, working on my first film, I was walking down the street feeling good. I had bright red nail polish on, and I remember imagining the New York Times reporter who was interviewing me – you know, the one who was interviewing me because of my brilliantly received film – I imagined her mentioning my bright red nail polish. I’m just not so sure any more, about having the special secret skill, but I guess my sleeping brain thinks I do. I wonder when you lose that faith in yourself. I’ve started novels, and been in a passion of hopefulness about them, only to find myself one day holding reams of paper that suddenly feel like wasted paper, with wasted words representing many wasted hours. And my films took about three years each, start to finish, but I was in love with them the whole time. You have to be! And now I watch them, I see where they’re flawed. At times that’s all I can see. It can leave you feeling very discouraged! Very scared to try! I hope nobody tells my dream self! And thank god for my boys, because they don’t have just one secret special skill, they have every skill in the whole world! They can be anything they want and they’re going to be wonderful at whatever they try.

salted top cake

salted top cake

Last week I mentioned Joan Aiken’s Go Saddle the Sea, and I quoted a passage in which she mentioned a pastry cake with salt sprinkled on top. Well! That image, of a pastry cake with salt sprinkled on top, has haunted me ever since. What is a pastry cake? I can’t find a recipe for one anywhere. Is it pastry or is it cake? I could just see it! I could just taste it! So I decided to make it. I made a pastry type of dough, with mostly butter and flour, but I added an egg and some vanilla and leavening. Then I rolled it into thin layers, stacked on top of one another, to give it an airiness of sorts (I hoped). Then I made a filling of ground almonds, bittersweet chocolate, cinnamon and sweetened condensed milk, because I thought it would be nice and dark and spicy and caramelly, and go well with the salty top. I was so pleased with this stupid cake. I took it out of the oven and it was love at first scent. It smelled sweet and complicated. It has a pleasant weight, but felt a bit hollow, too, which was a good sign because I was worried it wouldn’t have cooked all the way through and would be damp and unpleasant. I waited a while to cut into it, in a fever of anticipation and worry. It’s lovely! It’s like a big cookie with a wonderful filling, and a top crusty with sparkling sugar and salt. I’m very happy about it!

Here’s Darn That Dream by Billie Holiday, which I used in one of my first short films.

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